i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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