and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
