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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
