I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I can't turn off my feet"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
