im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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