But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
