Banned from zoo.
Again?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
