He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
