Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
