She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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