i think my tv is drunk
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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