I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
