so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
