Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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