Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
