Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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