His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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