u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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