I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
