If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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