Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
