Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
