I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
