I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
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