Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
