Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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