Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
