The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
