I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
