I checked into jail on foursquare
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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