I cannot find my penis.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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