youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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