If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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