Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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