porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
nutella sex= disaster
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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