That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
