Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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