there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
