Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
