chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
