apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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