the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
