nut hugger
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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