So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
