It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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