I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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