After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
