I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
