I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
