do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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